Mr. English Scrimshaw (jm_engshaw) wrote,
Mr. English Scrimshaw

"People find life entirely too time-consuming." - Stanislaw J. Lec

It's been months since I posted anything... I should really write something of substance. Instead, I'm going to post something Doctor Who related! I found this on a message board and I think it's hilarious and painfully true.

Doctor Who writers guide, commisioned March 2006.

10. Characters should never simply 'do' what they do. We want to spell out to the audience what these people are like. Preferable method is to have them syloquise at length about why they do what they do, in dialogue. Example, the Doctor tells people "I defeat monsters, this is what I do" so that they all know he's going to save the day and be home in time for tea and crumpet(s).

9. The Doctor and his companion ought never to be placed in captivity. The new 45 minute format doesn't allow the time for lengthy jail cell scenes like those of the old series. From now on, the Sonic Screwdriver can unlock any door at any time. Don't waste time explaining why. It's not worth the effort. This goes with the Psychic Paper too, and everything!

8. Got yourself into a plot hole? Easy fixed! Just have the Doctor rig up a big red button, which when pressed causes everything to be fixed by the end of the episode. No questions asked.

7. Although we have precious little time to waste on triffling details like plot or rational logic, we do want countless scenes of emotional development for the characters. Do not by any means take this to mean we want the characters to actually change, grow and develop. Martha must be just as annoying in Episode 13 as she was in Episode 1. Like Rose, only #1 in da hood, g.

6. The series is called Doctor Who, but it's really all about Rose. Never forget this. It is all about Rose's journey. Even now that Billie Piper has left the series, I still want to see a reference to Rose in every script. No exceptions. She's the Series Three story arc.

5. Never assume that our audience can think for themselves. Keep use of language to words of less than three syllables. If you think a concept is a little too complex for them to understand, don't forget to rewrite it and strip it down to the barest possible minimum. We don't want the poor dears racking their brains.

4. All humour should be kept strictly in the toilet. We are writing for children here, remember. Kids find farts and burps funny. So do most adults. Those who don't need to lighten up. That is all.

3. In accordance with the above, never let a scene become too dramatic. Always remember that there's always a funny punchline waiting for us just around the corner, even in a scene where twenty people have just been massacred ruthlessly by a werewolf.

2. Do not write about alien planets. A modern audience can not and will not accept alien planets. If you must include an alien menace in your script, make sure it is attacking the home/family of the companion so that we can squeeze as much emotional impact out of it as possible. If they fart and burp, all the better.

1. If in doubt, consult the book "Slayer: An unofficial guide to Buffy the Vampire Slayer". I get all my best ideas from it.

If you do not follow any these guidelines, expect to be rewritten by me.

All the best,
Russell T.

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